I’ve decided to start a new segment entitled Are You Fucking Serious? wherein I will periodically discuss things happening in the news or Hollywood.
Let’s not waste time.
Here’s my first issue: Kristen Stewart is cheating on Robert Pattinson. Are you fucking serious? I’m expected to care about this? I don’t. The only thing about it that remotely interests me is maybe the fact that she was shacking up with one of her directors explains why this girl keeps getting movie roles and has become the highest paid actress in Tinsel Town despite the glaring fact that, um, she can’t fucking act. What’s that sound, you ask? Sorry. It was me throwing up in my mouth.
Number two: One Million Moms has made headlines again. You may remember them from such failed smear campaigns as the time they tried to boycott JC Penny because they hired Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson. This time, OMM is targeting TV producer Ryan Murphy and his upcoming sitcom The New Normal, which is all about a homosexual couple trying to start a family together. Are you fucking serious? Why do you insist on going after this same group of people who, by the way, are just actively trying to love each other? I really don’t understand what gay and lesbian people have done to make the rest of the world so angry. If being gay meant that you ran around punching other people in the face or TP’ing houses and egging cars, then yeah, I could see why gay people weren’t well-liked. But literally, all they want to do is get married and have babies. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. Why don’t you go after someone who deserves to get shit on? There are plenty of dirt bags in the world who rightfully deserve your scorn. I mean, I could understand your outrage if JC Penny had chosen Tiger Woods as their spokesperson, or some other asshole who has blown his load all over his marriage vows. But Ellen? Really? A woman who ends every episode of her show by encouraging viewers to be kind to each other? Whose motto is “Laugh, dance, live?” Who quit American Idol because she didn’t like crushing people’s dreams? Whose entire existence revolves around being nice to everyone? I don’t have any proof but I really wouldn’t be surprised if Ellen poops out rainbows and cotton candy because she is that fucking awesome and genuinely nice and this is the woman that you’ve gone ape-shit over? And now you’re losing your bananas over a TV show about a couple who loves each other and want to be parents because you think it is contributing to “the decay of morals and values, and the sanctity of marriage.” Again, if you’d like to go after people who truly make a mockery of love, marriage, and parenting, may I suggest boycotting some of the following atrocities that have been gracing our small screens for years: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Sixteen and Pregnant/Teen Mom, The Real Housewives of I Don’t Give a Shit or that new show Kate Gosselin is pitching about her search for love. Actually, you know what? That deserves its own paragraph.
Number Three: Kate Gosselin trying to hang on to her 15 minutes of fame by pitching yet another reality show about her life is not new, it’s not news, and it’s not shocking. But I’m going to comment on it because the irony and ridiculousness will smother me in my sleep if I didn’t say something. So Kate, you’re tired of being single and your solution is to let a camera crew follow you around the country while you look for someone to fall in love with your crazy ass? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Maybe a better question is, did you hit your head and forget everything that happened to you in the last five years? Didn’t your first marriage disintegrate before our very eyes? Didn’t that happen because of the fact that you put your marriage on display for the world to see? I’m not suggesting that that was sole reason you and Jon broke up; obviously there was a build up problems going back long before your series began, and your “fame” was merely a speck of dust that landed on the straw that broke the camel’s back. But the bottom line is this: your TV show did not help your marriage. What makes you think a TV show will help you in a new relationship? And also, what makes you think the rest of the world wants to watch that shit anyway?!
And now for something a little, well, a lot more serious.
I considered not including this last topic because there’s absolutely no way I can (or would want to) make light of it, which of course, is the exact opposite of what I’ve done with the subjects I discussed in the above paragraphs. But, although what I’m about to say is drastically different in tone, I have just as much of burning desire to talk about it as I did with all that Hollywood crap. If anything, the following subject’s severity makes me want to discuss it more because it would somehow feel like a disservice if I said nothing at all. So, I’m sorry to suddenly switch gears on you, but consider this your official warning.
Finally, number four: this last one is about a comment I heard on the news from an angry Penn State fan (or possible alumni) about the taking down of the Joe Paterno statue earlier this week. Obviously this man, probably in his sixties or so, wasn’t happy about the removal of the statue and was trying to defend the late coach’s legacy. I don’t have the exact quote but it was something to the effect of “...we love Joe Paterno for giving us 60 years of integrity...” I’m not even going to swear for this one, because I’m so heartbroken and appalled. Of course I can understand why Penn State alumni felt this way about Paterno before finding out that he helped cover up the horrendous crimes of his fellow coach Jerry Sandusky. But after finding out about his part in the cover up? How in the world could you not feel as though every ounce of Paterno’s supposed integrity exploded into tiny shards of glass that deserve to be stomped on until they’re nothing more than tarnish on the ground? Sure, he was (the keyword now is “was”) college football’s most winningest coach, but he achieved that title at the expense of ten little boys who were robbed of their innocence. He may have led his school and team to football greatness, but he did it while lying about the presence of a sexual predator and he did so for twelve years. I understand that by stripping Penn State of every win they achieved during those twelve years not only punishes Paterno’s legacy, but punishes the innocent athletes who worked hard for those wins and have, unfortunately, lost them through no fault of their own. But losing those wins is nothing compared to what those ten boys lost by the actions and inactions of those in charge at Penn State.
I also heard that Paterno’s family was upset that they were not consulted about the removal of the statue. To that I say, it is possible to stand behind the man you knew him to be while not standing behind his inexcusable behaviour. Just because you were closest to him doesn’t automatically give you any say in how his “legacy” is handled. That would be like asking Jerry Sandusky’s family for their opinion in his sentencing. To his family, I’m sure Paterno was a loving person; to them, he’s not and wasn’t an aide to a monster – he was a husband, a father, a grandfather. But knowing the best side of someone doesn’t erase the worst side of them, and it doesn’t give you the right to dictate how the rest of the world feels or acts toward them, especially given such appalling and horrific choices made in the name of winning some football games.
I don’t know what topic I could properly move on to now, so I just won’t try. I think that’s enough ranting for today anyway. Sorry to have switched gears so suddenly and drastically, but I guess it’s just like the world we live in. Sometimes we hear about things so awful they slice our hearts in half and other times, there are stories so silly it makes you wonder if you woke up in some alternate universe where people might actually still want to watch Kate Gosselin on TV.
For the record, it doesn’t matter what universe we’re in. Nobody wants to watch, Kate. Nobody.