Backfire Story of the Day: About Fajitas, or Something

About a year ago, I wrote about the funniest words my daughter couldn’t pronounce properly. Since that post went up, Thumper’s vocabulary has changed quite a bit.

She can correctly say all five words mentioned in my original post and not only speaks in full sentences, but full soliloquies. She continually proves that she does, in fact, listen when I talk by later repeating what I’ve said, either to the cat or in song. Just the other day, she made up a song all about how Mommy says we shouldn’t play with the curtains because the curtain rod might fall down on us.* Later on, I overheard her ask the cat, “What’s with the stink-eye?”** You also already know that she is constantly asking ‘why,’ which requires me to constantly remind myself that she legitimately doesn’t know the answers to the inane questions she asks, as well as endlessly try to figure out what she’s really asking. It turns out that once kids figure out that asking ‘why’ will get them an answer, they will ask it even when they really mean is ‘what’ or ‘how.’

*I’m not crazy. This has happened in our house.

**The Juno fan in me secretly loves hearing her say “stink-eye.”

But the funniest conversation she’s had since the evolution of her language skills was by far one that she had with my husband a few weeks ago in the grocery store. It went something like this:

I may look sweet,
but I know what a vagina is.

Thumper: Daddy, where’s your fagina?

Dawson: (in shock) Um, do you mean fajita?

Thumper: No, FAGINA.

Dawson: Are you trying to say... (in a whisper) vagina?

Thumper: Yeah! Fagina. Where’s yours?

Dawson: I don’t have one.

Thumper: Why?

Dawson: Because I’m a boy, and boys don’t have vaginas.

(Pause)

Thumper: You don’t have any faginas?

Again, let me remind you that not only did this conversation actually take place, but it happened in the grocery store at a very audible volume.

I guess I forgot to tell Dawson that Thumper asked me what that area was called and that I actually told her. I should also mention that she cried when I told her it was called a vagina and said she didn’t want one. She just wanted to have a bum. Clearly, she’s gotten over that. Also, she can pronounce vagina correctly now.

Oh, and one more thing. After her conversation with Dawson, she began to very loudly sing a song she made up. That only consisted of the word fagina. While still in the grocery store.

-Alice

What to Expect When You're Expecting Again

During my first pregnancy, I found that people are really forthcoming about their experiences. By "people," I mean family members, friends, and strangers. And by "experiences," I mean horrible labour stories and a lot more use of the word 'vagina' than you’d like out of your mother or person you’ve literally just met. But whether you want to hear it or not, you can learn a lot from other people’s stories. You’ll either be prepared for the shit-show that pregnancy and childbirth bring or will be pleasantly surprised because you didn’t have it near as bad as everyone else.

For those readers who have yet to experience pregnancy, I compiled a short list of things I learned the hard way or by listening to someone else complain.  This is by no means a comprehensive list, but you’ll get the idea. You should expect:

• one or more of the following to ruin your sleep long before anyone places an infant in your arms: back ache, heartburn, your bladder, nausea, irrational fears, or rational fears
• to have to pee every five minutes, even when you haven’t consumed any beverages
• to pay way too much money for maternity clothes, you know, because it makes sense for people to charge women $60 for one T-shirt that will only be worn for nine months
• your boobs to look like they belong to a porn star
• to develop a love-hate relationship with: bras, Tums, hot showers, other people’s opinions, sleep, greasy foods, and standing up
• to become a raging B, a crying mess, and an over-sensitive worrier (sometimes all at once)

But see, I’ve come to realize that no one really talks about what to expect during your sophomore pregnancy. Sure, I hear a lot of people say that you’ll get bigger faster and that labour will be much quicker (though, fingers crossed, it will still allow me time for an epidural). I also often hear about the changing dynamic in your family – what the addition will mean to you as a parent and of course to your oldest child. That’s all well and great, but there are some things I’ve discovered that would’ve helped in preparing my mental state this time around. I created a list so that the rest of you will know what you’re getting yourself into. In addition to what’s above, you can:

If you could bring me some McDonalds, that would probably help.
Photo courtesy of someecards.com

1. Expect for everything to happen really fast. You know all those things we just talked about, that happen to you at a leisurely pace during your first pregnancy? They will happen right away and all at once during your second pregnancy. In fact, it all happens so fast that by the time you’ve finished having sex, your boobs will have outgrown your bra by ten sizes, you will be craving Big Macs, and the pregnancy rage will cause you to punch at least the first four people you see.
2. Expect to actually forget that you’re pregnant. The first time around, everything is new and everything is a novelty. You’d never forget about the bun in your oven because you cannot think of anything else, ever, even when all your non-parent friends tell you you’ve turned into that preggo. The second time though, you not only have pregnancy-brain-turned-mommy-brain-turned-pregnancy-brain, but you have a toddler to look after. So yeah, you’ve got other things on your mind and sometimes you will wonder why the hell you’re peeing so often or why you seem to have perma-heartburn only to look down at your belly and go, “Oh. Right.” Hopefully this does not continue once the child arrives.
3. Expect strangers to not touch your stomach. I know it sounds weird because with your first, everyone wants to touch your belly, even when you’re death-staring them, hoping they'll spontaneously combust. But my theory, and it’s all based on speculation, is that toddlers are people repellent. Think about it; toddlers are unpredictable. That sweet smile can melt into unmitigated rage faster than Disney can send a pre-teen princess into rehab. Nobody wants a piece of that, and so as badly as someone might want to rub your stomach for good luck, they want to avoid your little crack head even more.
4. Expect to miss alcohol more than you did last time. Again, because being pregnant was a novelty the first time, you don’t really miss not being able to drink. Your friends might be doing shots sipping a fine Pinot Noir before going to the bar at a very classy dinner party, but you’re all like, “I’m a mother now! I don’t need a drink!” This time, as your toddler is running circles around you and your belly, and you're counting down the minutes until Daddy is home, you’ll be like, “I’m a mother now! I need a drink! Or seventeen!”
5. Expect to still not be used to the feeling of a baby kicking inside you. Yes, you may be able to identify earlier what it feels like when the baby kicks, but that doesn’t mean it will feel any less like a foreign creature trying to bust out of your stomach like in those Alien movies. This is especially scary when the kicking interrupts one of those moments when you’ve forgotten that you’re expecting.

Maybe I didn’t get told about any of this because I should have just known, but still, a little heads up would have been nice. Now, if you plan on becoming pregnant for the third time, you’re on your own. I’m tapping out after two.

-Alice

Um, Who Are You?

Oh, hi there! Welcome to the Shameless World.

Um, who are you?

My name is Alice, and I am the Shameless Mommy.

Do I know you?

Maybe. All of my rants and ramblings used to be found on Escape from Mommyland, but as of today, I am taking up permanent residence in the Shameless World.

Oh, I see. Bad breakup, huh?

Hardly. It's just that my former partner and I no longer live in the same city. Or province. In fact, our provinces are not even next to one another. So it just made sense for us to go our separate ways professionally.

Right. Mm-hmm.

No, seriously. I solemnly swear that neither one of us will suffer a mental breakdown or a severe addiction to heavy drugs because of our split. Also, no one is getting their own reality show.

That doesn’t seem as fun for the rest of us, but okay. So what about all those posts you did for Escape from Mommyland?

If you look in the April 2012 archive over to your left, you can find every single post I ever wrote for Mommyland.

Even the one about the time your head exploded while learning to drive standard with your daughter in the backseat?

Yes. Even that one.

What about the one with the tell-tale signs that you’re pregnant?

Yup.

Or how about –

Seriously. They are all there.

Okay, okay. But what should I expect from you here at Shameless?

You know me – either my daughter embarrasses me, or I do it myself, but regardless, you always get to laugh at me. Sometimes I get rant-y, sometimes I like to talk about celebrities. Or to celebrities. But mostly, it's just me trying, and usually failing, to figure how to be a successful parent. So basically, this will be just like Mommyland, except that it’s all Alice, all the time! Alright, that even sounds scary to me. It’s more like, all Alice, once a week! Or however often I feel like posting.

I hope you'll continue to follow my antics, even if for no other reason than to make yourself feel better. If you liked to laugh at me in Mommyland, chances are that you'll like me here too. There's more ridiculousness coming soon, I promise.

Thanks for visiting!

Love, Alice

There is Only One Tree Hill

Julian said it best when he called it a show that “isn’t afraid to be quiet or heartfelt, a show that’s romantic and sexy and makes you feel like you’re not alone.” A show that in theory may have sounded a lot like many others – Dawson’s Creek, The O.C., or Beverly Hills 90210 - but would find its own voice and its own fans and end up spanning nine seasons. One Tree Hill may have been close to cancellation more often than not during its lifetime, and it may have had its share of psychopaths, car accidents, and kidnappings, but it also always managed to stay true to the characters and relationships that were always at the heart of the show, something that most shows can’t say. Last Wednesday marked not only TRIC’s 10 year anniversary, but the last time we would turn on our TVs and see what Nathan, Haley, Brooke and the others were up to. I couldn’t let the moment go without looking back at what made this show so damn good. And in my humble opinion, those things are:

The quotes: Whether it was Lucas quoting William Shakespeare, Karen poignantly telling her son that there is only one Tree Hill and it will always be his home, or Peyton’s voiceover telling us that “there are 6, 470, 818, 671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Other are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billions souls. And sometimes, all you need is one,” OTH has always had a way with words. Yes, we all know that OTH was a vehicle to showcase great music, both as live guests and as the score for the series, but week after week, it proved that the words were just as important as the melodies. An episode just wasn’t an episode without the compelling voiceovers, the one-liners, or the heartfelt reflections.

The evolution of Brooke Davis: Oh, B. Davis. She started out as the stereotypical bitchy cheerleader who threw herself at Lucas even though Peyton had feelings for him, and ended up a confident and well-rounded business owner, wife, and mother, arguably becoming the show’s most lovable character. But the most wonderful part of it all was the journey that led her there; it was bumpy and painful, it was honest and authentic, it was funny and earnest and flawed. Once again, Julian said it best when pitching An Unkindness of Ravens to studio executives and he called Brooke a pivotal character. “Brooke’s heart is vulnerable, and that’s why she’s so central. And that’s why the audience will root for her; they’ll identify with her, her mistakes, her victories, her heartache.” Yes, we certainly did.

The throwbacks: Nothing excites a fan more than watching those little nods referencing a show’s past, and OTH has always been good at supplying those moments for us. From the quote hanging on the wall of Karen’s Café, “Somebody told me this is a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe,” to each female lead naming her child after her own maiden name (Jamie, Sawyer and Davis), to Skills’ (justified) paranoid behaviour during Brooke and Julian’s nuptials given the show’s history of wedding day mayhem, the writers have always hidden little gems like these within episodes for long-time fans to discover, and we have always enjoyed being in on the joke.  

The vision: OTH was a show about a group of high school juniors growing up into adults. It was a show about two estranged brothers. It was a show about the love story between Lucas and Peyton, Nathan and Haley, and Brooke and Julian. It was a show about music and sports and literature. But more than anything else, it was a show about hope. It was always clear that the show’s creator, Mark Schwahn, had a particular vision for how his show would progress – not in particular events, but in attitude and quality. And through all of its nine seasons the show stayed true to that vision and the characters within it and none of that would have been possible without Schwahn. Just look at Dawson’s Creek. It became a completely different show once it’s creator, Kevin Williamson, departed, and in those floundering last seasons, it was hard to watch the characters do such roundabout things that were no longer in line with who they’d become. I doubt that OTH would’ve been able to survive, or survive with integrity, after losing two of its main cast members, Chad Michael Murray and Hilarie Burton, at the end of season six without Schwahn at the helm. He was able to successfully shift focus completely onto the three remaining leads and still authentically carry on their stories while maintaining the same tone and heart that the show always had.

And now for the best things about the series finale:

SPOILER ALERT! It’s been a week since the finale aired, so you should reasonably be expecting to see spoilers all over the Internet, so you can’t get mad at me. But if you have yet to watch the episode, don’t scroll down.

Bevin’s cameo: With most fans hoping for an appearance from Lucas, Peyton, and baby Sawyer, nobody really thought about who else should or could return. So it was a welcome surprise to see Bevin working at City Hall and end up helping Quinn and Clay get married and then adopt Logan. As soon as I saw her face, I remembered what a weird and fun character she was, but it was good to see that Schwahn remembered too when he had her awkwardly blurt out that she was married once but then it turned out she hated her husband. But nothing was better than seeing her reunited with Skills in the Tree Hill High bleachers.

Dan’s mystery cheque: All season, I felt that Mouth’s “fat” storyline wasn’t really worth it. I mean, it could have been, but with all the other heavy things happening, it didn’t seem to have the, uh, weight, it should have. But all that started to change when he received a cheque from Dan’s estate for $500, 000, 000 with a note saying “What you do matters.” Using a throwback to a quiet and mostly forgotten, but important, moment between Dan and Mouth after Mouth got fired for refusing to report on the Nathan/Renee scandal in season 7, the writers finally revealed the storyline’s real purpose – Mouth honouring Jimmy Edwards and Keith Scott’s memory by founding the Edwards/Scott Scholarship Fund.

Chase and Chris Keller as BFFs: I wasn’t happy to see Chris back in Tree Hill this season, and his arrogant and selfish behaviour certainly didn’t help his case at all. That is, until Chase started to strike up a bizarre friendship with the playboy singer who likes to refer to himself in third person. Though it would have been nice to see Alex return to be reunited with him, I’m glad that Chase, who always been somewhat of loner and floater on the series, had someone by his side. Their antics provided a welcome, light-hearted tone to an otherwise intense season and bittersweet episode.

Brooke and Julian’s new home: It was a beautiful ending for a beautiful character. Not only did Brooke finally find a man who was willing to do anything to give her the life and family she craved and deserved, but in the house she always loved. Who didn’t get goose bumps when Brooke excitedly ran up the stairs to look in her room after Julian told her he bought her childhood home?

The return to Tree Hill High: Not only did I do a happy dance upon seeing the whole (okay, almost the whole) group together again in the gym where it all started, but I was overjoyed to see the series end how it began– with a Scott on the basketball court. As the camera panned from Nathan’s framed jersey to Jamie’s, we learned that Jamie had achieved his dream of becoming the school’s new all-time leading scorer. When a teenaged Jamie took the court donning a Ravens jersey, hearts of OTH fans everywhere exploded with happiness and the sense that even though we won’t get to see our favourite characters each week, everything was going to be alright in the Tree Hill world.

I’ll admit it. When OTH ended season six with their “believe that dreams come true every day” theme as Lucas and Peyton drove off into the sunset, I didn’t know how the show could ever top that episode. And last season, when Jamie dribbled a basketball over the bridge while wearing a hoodie in a nod the show’s original opening sequence, I wasn’t sure there could ever be a more fitting end. But I was wrong.

Thanks, One Tree Hill. Thanks for the music. Thanks for the memories. But most of all, thanks for barely including Quinn in this season.

-Alice

You Know You're Pregnant When...

It’s never been lost on Wendy and I that there’s a very good chance that the majority of women who read this blog do not, in fact, live in Mommyland. Which is totally cool with us. If you don’t have kids and you still think we are more “funny” or even “adequately amusing” than we are “demented” or “bad parents,” than we like you and invite you to keep visiting us here. Let’s face it; we’re nothing if not birth control for the non-mommies out there.

I thought it would nice to say a thank you to the non-mommies who like to keep up with us here on Escape from Mommyland. Thanks for stopping in even though you could just as easily busy yourself running up an online shopping charge.  Thanks for coming back even if it’s only to laugh at us and not with us. And thanks for not calling Child Protective Services even when our parenting strategies seem, well, questionable at best. To show my gratitude, I dedicate today’s post to you, non-mommies. I thought I’d offer you some advice on how to figure out if you’re pregnant or not. Some of you might end up needing this advice sooner than others and some of you may not ever need it. But keep it in the back of your mind because eventually you or someone you know will find yourself in an all-too common scenario: your period is late and you’re feeling a little bloated, but you’re not quite sure if that baby in your tummy is a baby-baby or just a food-baby. Allow me to help you figure it out.

You know you’re pregnant when:

You use the phrase “pee break” so often that your co-workers are starting to place bets on what you’re really doing in there. Some have guessed pregnancy, but mostly everyone is in agreement that you have a drug problem. Although, there are also a select few that are steadfast in their theory that you’re a secret spy.

You realize that Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are no longer sufficient meal times, and that an additional set of meals must be implemented: Early Breakfast, Mid-morning Breakfast, The Sequel to Lunch (Parts Two and Three), Pre-dinner Dinner, Second Dinner, Post-dinner Snack (also known as Gimme-That-Tub-of-Ice Cream Snack), Late Night Snack, Late-late Night Snack and Mindless Munching on Crackers in the Middle of the Night While Still Asleep.

You cry during Glee. And I don’t mean during the final number, which is often meant to be a tearjerker or sentimental. I’m talking about crying in the opening song, even when it’s Artie and Will singing “Moves Like Jagger,” and you’re ugly-crying like, “Omigod. The way they move their hips is...so...beautiful.”

You’re crying right now.

Your breasts constantly feel like someone has or is still giving you a purple-nurple.

You've started spending more time with your head in the toilet than you did during your entire college career. Except that this time, you don’t have tequila burning your throat on the way back up or the foggy memories of creepy grease monkeys trying to grind dance with you from the night before. (Or maybe you do. Who am I to say how you got into this mess?)

You know that at one point, you had your wits about you. But you can’t seem to remember exactly when that was. In fact, you can’t remember much these days. It’s not so much your deteriorating addition and subtraction skills that worry you, but the fact that you can’t remember who Ryan Reynolds is dating at the moment or what happened on last week’s episode of One Tree Hill.

You start noticing pregnant ladies everywhere you go. You can’t help but wonder if it’s some freaky coincidence that every freaking woman in the world is suddenly pregnant, or if there were always this many preggos around and you just never noticed.

You buy new clothes. And I don’t mean that you’ve bought new clothes and then suddenly they don’t fit. I just mean that if you haven’t gone shopping in awhile but your partner has finally convinced you to spend some money on yourself and not feel guilty about it, as soon as the credit card has been swiped you can consider yourself sperminated. Because those stupid universal laws of parenting want to make sure you won’t ever get to enjoy those skinny jeans or trendy lace camisoles.

You pee on a stick and it’s negative but you don’t feel confident enough about the results to drink a glass of wine even though it’s staring you down and practically saying “Drink me, hooker. I dare you.”

And if all else fails, just remember this. You know you’re pregnant when you pee on a stick and it’s positive.

Yeah. I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator that you’re preggo.

-Alice

P.S. To those of you who just read through the list and are now pretty sure you’re pregnant, don’t worry. You’re not alone. Your very own Alice is also expecting! It was the constant purple nurples that made me realize it this time. What was it for you?

P.P.S. Congratulations!